Evoenix:Edits

I nearly did not have anything to write about…

Until I started the Story Skills Workshop and shined a big old neon light on areas I normally keep hidden. So, here it is.

I have been lying!!!
Yep – LYING!! I will own up to it.

I will start by saying a military career is a wonderful thing and I was proud to serve my country. Many government departments do an incredible job and people love working in this cadre. And I learned a lot of skills that have proven valuable beyond their intended scope. That part is true.

But takeaway the nostalgic camaraderie, then for me it was like any other corporate job. I had out-grown my military-issue armoured skin and was disconnected from the processes, people and demands it had on my life.

And I have been skimming over a very vital piece of my story…

I often get asked, ‘You were 7 years from a full pension, why did you leave?’ And my response is usually, I just wanted to try something different and the pension was not a good enough reason to stay.

I believe a military career should be more than just a pension trap… No, any career, should be more than just a pension trap! That’s the optimistic ideal.

The more truthful answer to that question is:

I HATED my career. I spent most of those 15 years either depressed, bullied, coerced, stifled, mis-managed and failed to fully realise my potential.

I never belonged. I did not fit in and my true feelings were suppressed. It was not for me. But I persisted because I had a home and family to look after. I had responsibilities. So I battened down the hatches, kept my head down as much as I could and got on with things.

My lived experience involved having little control over my time, where I lived, who I knew and would hang out with, my energy and even my body. I would resort to extreme dieting to keep my weight under control and be able to pass fitness tests and fit into my uniform, because it was so embarrassing having to visit the clothing store for replacements. And I thought I needed to be like the others, so I wasted much of that precious time and energy doing just that.

I was not consistently coached or nurtured. I was forced to doing things a particular way, not afforded the space to be creative, innovative or develop my own leadership style.

You could mark your mark, provided it was a reflection of the permitted image. 

You could speak out, but not too loud. 

You could listen in, but not be heard. 

You could seek improvements, but nothing too radical. 

You could make change, if it didn’t deviate too far. 

You could lead, so long as you were following the herd.

Until one day, enough was enough. And that is why I walked away from a stable job and a full pension with 7 years left to run.

It could be argued, all of that is part of the job. It’s what you sign up for, it’s why we get paid good salaries and it’s how we honour our country – through sacrifice. And I would agree completely.

But for me, the salary was not enough for the amount of myself I was sacrificing. I value purposeful work that feeds your soul by serving people and honouring them with generosity. And I discovered there are other ways, other than a military job, to still achieve that aim.

And this whole time I have been feeling guilty about not being “part of the ship, part of the crew”. I do not feel a sense of loss because I have moved on. And I have avoided being honest about it because I felt like, I was the one in the wrong. I must have screwed up somewhere along the line, to not be feeling the pride for my service, like other veterans.

So I would hide my thoughts and beliefs. And once again, I was back to not being myself. I would censor my copywriting and blogs in an effort to please or not upset a community, that ultimately I did not belong to.

I was asked a question recently:

Do you coach people who are unhappy in their careers?

My answer:

No, but maybe I should be…. I want to help other people nurture their bravery and make a leap towards the change they seek.

In this interview, Liz Gilbert gives a wonderful explanation of the distinctions between The Work in our lives.

Ok, so I had the yeast extract equivalent of careers. I asked myself, how might I be confusing my job and career? What might free me to find a more fulfilling vocation, if I made these distinctions more clearly?

What do I really want to change? What do I want to get better at doing? And how can I find others and help them get better at the things important to them?

Everyone will have their own lived experience of their chosen job or career. We are individuals – that’s the whole point. What I want people to realise is – if you are unhappy, it does not always have to be that way. And it takes guts to start over. Either with a fresh perspective in your current place or with something entirely new. And you might find it easier if you had help and found other people going through similar shit.

I believe there are 2 choices… no, wait. There are 3.

Do nothing. Because choosing to do nothing, is still a choice. But I would assert that if any of you have made it this far into this blog, that option is off the table.

Start thinking of the career you dislike, as a job. It’s just there to pay bills and you’re detached from it. Freeing you up to explore fulfilment in other ways, away from your job.

Find a new career. And a vocation unique to you that sets your soul on fire when you think about it.

As times are weird right now, I am offering free coaching for adult learners because they are brilliant examples of the infinite game players. More about that over here.

And you can join me for a Water Cooler Convo on Tuesday’s at 9am (BST), so that you can start to explore and find the other people out there.

If you have been forwarded this by a friend, they thought of you and you can subscribe here.

Coaching

It’s almost 1 whole year since I started blogging weekly. And it was interesting to go back to the article I published on Medium that led to my regular weekly blogging.

The article came about because I had started attending a military networking group and the organiser sent out a link to an article he had been sent – he thought the members of the group would find it useful. It was a cautionary tale about how the coaching biz was full of hacks and don’t get sucked in.

Well, I was a coach. So not only did the article itself pain me to read, it was also written quite poorly and clearly by someone who had a grudge. It was subjective and lacked a balanced argument. (I was completing my degree at the time and understood the value of this for my essays).

Equally, I was pissed at the organiser of our varied group for being so irresponsible in reposting an article of this sort.

So, I wrote to him and explained my discomfort and disappointment in this seemingly generous act.

Poised for a backlash… I got a response…

Abigail.

Thank you for your detailed reaction and for giving the issue so much thought. I am in Devon at the moment but will be back in harness over the week end. My initial gut reaction is: Would you like to produce an article on the Coaching biz which can be posted on the Steam Room at forcesbusinessnet.com

Best regards, Mike

Oh boy, did I set myself up for that one!

So I did and it still resides over here.

After that I was discussing this with my coach at the time and he asked if I enjoyed writing it, to which I replied, “Yeah, yeah I really did.” He then got me onto Medium and from then on I have published a blog every week.

I moved over to my own blog site as it was better for scheduling postings. I also prefer to work when in flow, so I will write loads in one hit.

Now I have a page called Blog Ideas in Notes and have a WIP draft post on the site. Every few weeks I get in there to write and ship.

Most have been really exciting to write and other times I am not so enamoured – I post anyway. It’s all practice and development.

I have learned that less is more with a blog and to write in the third person. Some of my early stuff was all me, me, me… Now it’s you, you, you – to allow the reader to relate. And at the end I like to include some thoughtful questions and calls to action. More recently I have learned to begin with a little bit of “me” as well. It allows for connection and resonance.

All learned by doing, reading and gaining confidence. I have now begun writing a novel in The Creatives Workshop – Akimbo and received some wonderful feedback and confirmation that particular feelings I was aiming for have been evoked in the reader.

I was a glorious amateur and loved that posture. Now I am starting to feel like a professional and I want more. And I am excited to think about what next years retrospection will look like.

What do you want more of? What do you love, and sometimes hate because it challenges you to show up everyday? How might you make the leap from glorious amateur to committed professional? What’s stopping you?

If you have been forwarded this by a friend, they thought of you and you can subscribe here.

Coaching

Join together for a 15 minute water cooler conversation and feel that important sense of community.

Flash, A-ahhh!!!

It’s fast so come prepared to tell us who you are, what you’re working on and where you’re stuck in 3-4 sentences. 

Someone else in the group may be able to point you in a good direction, or know someone who could. 

Exchange contact info in the chat.

As we grow, volunteer to lead future calls with thoughtful questions to open the discussion.

Occurs weekly on Tuesdays at 9am BST

Register to join via Eventbright:

Coaching

Do you have that new leader smell?

Is it a bit rough around the edges?

Like a new car:

The paint hasn’t quite set.

All the moving parts aren’t well oiled.

The discernible bum print in the seat is still forming…

What can you do next to take this new beast for a ride?

Where do you want to go next?

How many pitstops do you need?

Who is riding shotgun with you?

Who’s go the map and who’s bringing the beer?

If you have been forwarded this by a friend, they thought of you and you can subscribe here.

Coaching

Sure, we’ve read, watched, listened and seen a few duds from our heroes over the years.

And I can’t think of anything specific, probably because I’ve skimmed over them and locked them away. Choosing to focus on the good stuff that results in this false perspective that EVERYTHING they do is brilliant.

Recently I have been thinking about what stops me from writing, and it’s because I think what I could write might be awful.

And I’m right about that… for now. But I’m not going to get any better by gazing at a computer screen or allowing myself to be distracted by bad habits.

A training schedule is required. A programme to and keep me accountable.

Arrrghhhh…. Training Schedule.
It’s top of my list of kryptonite excuses that feed The Resistance.

Go figure, I joined the military and then it became necessary.
I did, for a time, enjoy workouts but have fallen out of love with it again. But I do like the idea of applying progressive overload (as used in weightlifting) to writing.

So, a reframe is in order. I like schedules and getting stuff done mostly. It can be a bitter pill at first but once it’s done I like the dopamine hit. I was medical, so I’m thinking I might schedule a course of medication and treatment therapy.

My Daily Dose of Dopamine (M3D).
To be taken 2-3 times per day, more if required.
Swallow with large glass of… (no Abbie) … ahem, water.
May cause drowsiness, if affected avoid driving and operating heavy machinery.
For short to medium term use.
Smaller doses permit longer term use.

What does your (non-physical) Resistance Training Schedule look like?

And if you don’t have one, how might one help you spring into action and keep momentum?

Do you prefer to save things up and get it done in one big chunk?

Or would you benefit from breaking things down into smaller more manageable dips

Try both and see what’s best for you.

How might you carve out the required time for your chunks or dips?

If you have been forwarded this by a friend, they thought of you and you can subscribe here.

Coaching

I’m not going to name names, there are too many.

What’s become apparent and I feel is important is how my heroes got to where they are now and what will keep them going into the future.

And there’s lots of common ground.

They started – for one. They found a subject they were passionate about and decided to run with that. They started for them. It was personal and it was selfish. (Selfish is not really the right word given the definition and I can’t think of a better word. All I can think is to say – selfishly pursuing altruism)

They do the learning. They honed their abilities and seek to continue to improve those, even when they were appointed the “expert” by their peers, they don’t slack off.

They do the research. They emerge themselves wholeheartedly in understanding and applying every aspect they can. Asking questions and finding the answers.

They generously share. They don’t hoard what they find and create. They put it out there and eventually find the right places.

They have allies. They find other people that think like they do. They share knowledge and spread the word.

They are patient, consistent and persistent. You need a lot of that for all of the above.

They don’t follow a herd. They do things a bit differently. They’re not extraordinary. Extraordinary is a result, not a requirement. It’s about starting where they are, doing the work and the rest of us gets to decide just how extraordinary they are because of the impact they had on us.

They don’t just stop. One thing leads to the next thing and the next. No one hit wonders.

Realising all of that when you unpack your heroes and peak behind the cape means you know you can too.

Giving more care and attention in choosing the people you talk to: Do they care about similar things as you? Look for projects, initiatives and partnerships that align with helping others. Get up and write. Enrol on courses and take part in conferences. Deliver workshops and share your knowledge. Be part of groups that meet regularly to support each other. Test and get better at finding the edges.

You might not patient – You can work on that.

You might be reasonably consistent – so, you can work on that.

You might be persistent, for now until you hit a dip and lose confidence – yeah, you guessed it, you can work on that too.

If you have been forwarded this by a friend, they thought of you and you can subscribe here.

Coaching

If a tree falls down and no one is around, does it make a sound?

Who the frickityfrack cares? No one was there.

So, be there to say something and let someone else be there to hear it. Communication is a two-way street and if either is missing, there isn’t much point.

When I couldn’t find any veterans in business groups, I set about creating my own. I hadn’t really even started, just put the idea out amongst some groups and friends. Next thing I hear, someone had also started one. I was happy to relinquish control and jump on that train (no sense in making things more difficult than required).
Because I can see there is potential for me spur off and be an ambassador for the group in my region. Then another group started up organised by a larger organisation – again similar potential for there.

It seemed that once I knew what question to ask and then started asking… an answer presented itself.

Yes, there are steps along the way, some you plan and some you don’t. Some are bigger than others. And some so small you might not notice them.

They are steps all the same, moving in a direction from where you are to where you want to be.

If what you think you need doesn’t exist – create it!

Build it and if it’s what others think they need – they will come with you.

Just tell people it’s there.

Otherwise, you might end up sat on the log of a fall tree in the middle of woods, on your own wondering, how did I get here?

Don’t be alone.
Set that damn log ablaze.
Get some banging tunes on and start the festival – then find reveller #No3.

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Coaching

Finding the People you seek to serve…

Are YOU the wheel?

Yes. My business means everything to me. I want to do right by my staff and my family.

Do you ask for help when you get stuck?

Not really, I don’t think anyone will understand and I don’t have anyone.

Do you even recognise you’re stuck?

I might be. Things just stay the same. In one way I’m ok with that and on the other I know something is missing, I just don’t what that is.

When your product is your passion, do you develop and grow the business objectively?

I love what I do, I started because [ insert your compelling narrative ]

I’ve always done it this way but now it’s just not hitting the mark. I want to develop but don’t know where to start. So much is anchored on this and I don’t want to spoil it. I’m scared.

Do you put as much time and effort into mapping goals and aspirations, as you would the budget for the next financial year?

I’m busy dealing with this thing right here and now, over there is far away. So far away I can’t even imagine it, even though I know it’s there.

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By talking and connecting with people, you build a trusting relationship to allow the belief that asking for help, is ok.

It is not a weakness or failure, it is proactive and it works.

And you can say, “I am right here, for you. Just ask.”

If you have been forwarded this by a friend, they thought of you and you can subscribe here.

Coaching

That’s easy… that’s a good book, they are good at speaking, that’s a good idea, that’s a good job, that’s a good course….

Now list what you are good at….

Give yourself some time…

Go on, really think about it…

Stuck?

Ok, think of it like this – If you can honestly say:

“I am not the worst when it comes to X”

“I enjoy working on X and could do better with some more practice and patience..”

Then, you are well within the realm of GOOD.

And now… Go get better at it!

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Coaching

In the past few weeks I have seen incredible kindness and generosity amongst communities. They are coming together to support the vulnerable and there has been a plethora of offerings from business to help other business.

Having seen catastrophe films in the past, I have always wondered what we would actually do if the shit really did hit the fan… now we know!

People, in general, are good people especially in a crisis. And yet I am still concerned. I have seen this before…

In the run up to a military deployment there is always this hive of enthusiastic activity and spirits are high. You are preparing, training, getting into new routine and getting to know new people. I say new, they are people you know, but you’re getting to know them in a different context.

Things are beginning to take shape and you’re realising just how long you’re going to be on this tin can and in a potentially hostile environment.

Working, eating, living and exercising with the same people for 9 months.

Then you go on a run ashore in Malta and forget that anxiety because you’re too busy getting over the hangover from hell and trying to figure out how the f@*k you managed to get back to your cabin at 3am having had to negotiate a gangway, narrow passageways and near vertical ladders without breaking your neck in the process.

Once in your area of operations, the first wave of enthusiasm subsides, the monotony begins to set in..

Work, eat, sleep, repeat…

And you can’t get off or go home. You are stuck.

And recently, I have been trying to figure out how we, as military folk, do it. How do we get on with things?

First and foremost – Service and Duty. We signed up for this, we knew the gig and to a certain extent what we were letting ourselves in for. And something intrinsic keeps us coming back for more.

We have a choice.

Second – Training. Our basic training instilled a sense of pride in our work and the resilience to cope in strange environments. That training continues and prior to a deployment we have extra training tailored to the environment we are going to.

We are prepared.

Thirdly – Pay. We get good pay. It isn’t the be all and end all, but it helps. In the dips we can imagine saving some extra and paying a chunk off the mortgage, or a new car or saving to start a family. It’s extrinsic, and they are needed sometimes. Equally, many military personnel have the opportunity for promotion following a challenging deployment, so there is some intrinsic satisfaction too.

We have a motivator.

Lastly – End date. Deployments are designed for a finite period of time. Some do get extended, the plan shifts right or you don’t make that scheduled port stop. Time keeps ticking, the days roll on, the first of the month keeps coming around.

We have finality.

“So what?”, you’re thinking. “I have none of that.”

Or do you?

Indulge yourself and just for moment put the judgement aside. Think really hard about where the choice might be. Where are the opportunities and are you even looking for them? How has your life so far prepared you for this time? What skills do you normally use in your home life that could now be a great asset for you in your work life? And flip that… what are you good at in work that you can now use at home? What is motivating your actions and is it helping? Because if it isn’t, what other motivations could be kinder on your soul?

End date???? – Ok I will concede on that one because at the moment there isn’t one and this is where this story falls down. But, should that let you off the hook and stop planning?

I say no. All that means is, you need a different plan and a different set of actions to make that plan real.

Because some of the more positive habits you’ll create over the coming months don’t have to stop. 

And as for the more positive changes we’ll make to our culture, education and ways of working… well, they don’t need to stop either.

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Coaching